A True Beginning

I wish the memory was more clear. 

Sometime in the late 90’s I attended a workshop at a church I was attending.  Was it before or after the birth of my second child? That information seems important, even though I cannot currently recall it…maybe someday I will remember.  Maybe it is another piece of awareness that will come as a part of this journey.

While I also don’t remember the focus of the workshop, I do remember that during one of the exercises it became very clear how I saw myself. 

We were told to walk over to this table filled with cups, mugs, and chalices, and to choose one that represented our Self.  I chose a chalice made from pottery that spoke to me in some way.  The colors of the chalice weren’t ones I normally chose, so part of me was surprised that it was the one I chose.

Later that day, I looked at the chalice, truly looked at it, and saw that it was broken.

It wasn’t broken in a subtle way, there was a large chunk out of the top. 

Had I noticed that before?  Why would I choose a broken chalice? I was dumbfounded and I felt a heaviness in my core.  Did I truly see myself this way? 

I didn’t realize that I did, until that moment.

How did this happen?  I mean, I know how it “happened” but I was trying so hard to not be broken.  It was shocking to me to see myself more clearly in that moment. 

It was a turning point in my life, a wake up call…for me, a true beginning. 

I knew something had to change.  I had no idea what or how, but it propelled me on this journey to find my Self.  And it has been messy…wow, so messy!  We do so many things in life to avoid the pain of actually seeing ourselves.  But it is the only way that I am aware of that we can create change and grow.

That day propelled me into my first retreat, and it was UNCOMFORTABLE!  I knew nothing about retreats at the time, and choosing a silent 3 day retreat was jumping into the fire. 

I was by decades the youngest person there, and there was very little speaking over the 3 days.  And I didn’t know what to do with my Self. 

There were no children to care for, no laundry or dishes to do, no husband to be grumpy with, no work to distract my Self with…just Me…sitting around waiting for the time to go by. 

What do you do when there is nothing to do?

I have always found something to DO.  Here, there was nothing to do, so I sat outside in an Adirondak chair and watched the water flow by.

What I did become aware of in the silence and the stillness was that I thought more clearly, and that I saw things more clearly, literally more clearly. 

In those few days away, I became stronger in a way that I could not explain.

What I realize now, after many years and a whole lot of work, is that the contrast of being “away” from my life helped me see things more clearly.  It is incredibly difficult to see clearly when we are always in “it”.

I cannot count the number of retreats that I have taken since then, but they have all taught me more about myself, about people, about pain, and about healing.

I have struggled with journaling over the years, and I have not yet been able to create a consistent practice.  This journey we have started with My Inner Knowing, will be a challenge for me in consistent writing, though it is a challenge that I am ready and choosing to take on.

Sometimes going back and reading what I wrote is helpful, sometimes the awareness I gain on how I walked on the earth at that time can be overwhelming…ultimately helpful, and a lot to process.

We hope that this format that we are creating is an opportunity for you to journal some of your thoughts and experiences, to gain insight into the what and whys of what we do, so with that increased awareness, we can create the space we need to choose more healthy ways of living and being in relationship, with our Self and others.

When I decided it was time to start creating a way to share the journey so far, and all that is yet to come, I wanted my partner, Walker, to join me.  There will be quite a bit of sharing about Walker in my blog posts, and I hope that you enjoy his presence in his blog posts and our podcast.  He is a lovely being…messy, just like me…we are learning to provide our Selves and each other grace.

As you browse our website, you might notice some unique things about its layout.  For example, if you look closely, the dots and dashes in our Logo say “Knowing” in Morse Code.  Always trying to come up with unique ways for our body to experience ways of communicating!

Walker and I wanted to include playful elements on our website to convey the message that life should be fun even when the learning is hard!  Morse Code was one of those “Knowings” that came to me as we started this piece of the creation process.

We will continue to come up with creative ways for you to experience what we have to share...so be on the lookout for fun details like morse code messages!

The colors in our website and products are ones that have always spoken to me, except the Sunstone color.  I am growing into brighter colors after many years…I struggle to want to be noticed when I feel less secure in my Self.  You should see my closet….full of color!  But mostly I wear black…another area of growth!

We spent a lot of time choosing 27 words for our product line, which we plan to launch mid 2024—words to help you set your intention daily for what You want to embody.  We chose 27 words because that number has come up repeatedly in my teachings over the last several years.  When looked up the significance of 27 across various contexts...it just fit with what we are creating.  I’ll share more on this in another post!  You’ll love it! 

The name “My Inner Knowing” also has a very special history that I will share in another post.  The phrase became my motto after one of the most foundational, positive retreat experiences that I have had to date.

We truly hope that you enjoy and benefit from all that we have created so far, and all that is to come. 

Our first Podcast Episode is us sharing more about My Inner Knowing, and our second Podcast Episode was the conversation we had the first time we used the podcast equipment…it is fun and silly, then takes a turn into the realness of that particular day…An Unexpected Turn. Please join us!

We are excited about this journey and hope that joining us will be comforting, real, educational and inspirational for positive growth in your life.  Thank you for being curious with your Self and with us!

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